


All The Anguish You Suppress

by noxlee



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel Can Hear Longing, Coda, Episode: s13e05 Advanced Thanatology, Grieving Dean, M/M, POV Castiel, Resurrection, destiel reunion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-15
Updated: 2017-11-15
Packaged: 2019-02-02 19:34:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12732912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noxlee/pseuds/noxlee
Summary: Cas wakes up in a field. He has a brief moment of unthinking calm in which to feel the sun on his skin. He turns his head to the sky, breathes deeply, then spares a confused glance down at his new attire.Then it hits him. He flinches with the sudden intensity of it that feels like an actual blow to his chest— like there’s some invisible hand squeezing his heart and lungs, compressing his air. Thislonging.It cuts deep at the core of him.Dean.A 13x05 coda.





	All The Anguish You Suppress

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to [Otterly Not](https://otterlynott.tumblr.com) for the quick but exceedingly thorough beta read!
> 
> And thanks to folks in mediocre meta for kiboshing an earlier idea with their implacable logic, and inspiring this new one :)

Cas wakes up in a field. He has a brief moment of unthinking calm in which to feel the sun on his skin. He turns his head to the sky, breathes deeply, then spares a confused glance down at his new attire.

Then it hits him. He flinches with the sudden intensity of it that feels like an actual blow to his chest— like there’s some invisible hand squeezing his heart and lungs, compressing his air. This _longing._ It cuts deep at the core of him.

_Dean._

It's all too familiar, and Castiel lets out a sigh of relief at the tangible proof that Dean is alive. 

He can't, however, say the same for himself, because the last thing he can remember is dying. He had come through the rift after Sam and Dean. Dean's face had looked relieved and then scared, contorted into something twisted and painful. There had been the sharp pierce of an angel blade, the blinding flash of his grace burning out. Dean had shouted something, and then. . . nothing. 

Castiel frowns, trying to remember what happened between then and now. The unaccounted time is disturbing. He must have died, but if so, how was he brought back this time? He huffs and looks around more closely. He is definitely on Earth, judging by the visceral feel of the sun on his face and the grass underfoot.

And Dean is definitely alive, that much Castiel knows. He can feel him. And yet, it's different. Never before has the thrumming feeling he gets from Dean been this strong, or this desperate. Something must be wrong, and he shifts uncomfortably with the knowledge. Normally the feeling he gets from Dean just simmers, low and quiet. But this is altogether different. There's no ebb, no flow. This is constant and unrelenting and— 

The longing surges again, and Castiel is spurred into action, his concern for Dean overriding any lingering uncertainty over his current predicament. He flexes his wings and realizes with irritation that he is still without flight despite the restoration of his grace. He begins walking instead in the general direction from which he can sense Dean, not entirely sure where he's headed yet, just that he needs to move. Needs to find Dean.

As he walks, an unfamiliar voice echoes in his head: _I know who you love. I know what you fear._

Castiel stumbles slightly, and pauses. He looks around and listens carefully, but there is no one. Everything is quiet, and so he continues walking, shaking off the feeling of unease that trickles through him. If he can just get to Dean. And Sam. Perhaps they can fill in some of the blanks. He walks faster, plagued by the relentless ache of Dean’s longing and frustrated with his own impotence at being shackled to the ground. What use is an angel without wings?

The sun is close to setting by the time he finds a payphone and dials the number he knows by heart. He finds himself holding his breath as it rings, letting it out in a rush when Dean picks up. 

The call is brief. Dean's voice is cracked and broken sounding, and when Castiel speaks, the swirling, longing _Dean_ feeling in his chest intensifies so much he fears for a brief moment that it might shatter into pieces. Shakily, he gives his location and Dean's voice breaks again before he hangs up.

He’ll just wait here then. Wait for Dean. The feeling inside him flutters. 

Darkness descends on the street, causing the lights around him to blur slightly. A neon blue cross emits a bright glare, it’s light like a halo against the reddish glow of the alley. Dean had sounded strange on the phone, and the Dean-feeling in his chest continues to expand. Perhaps Dean doesn’t believe him. He recalls how he watched Dean after he'd pulled him from Hell, and he understands now what he didn’t then— the desperate need to find and connect with those you’ve left behind, to know that your family is safe and well. No one would answer Dean’s calls when he returned. Bobby thought he was dead, and what's dead stays dead. Mostly.

Or maybe Dean believes him but is angry. Dean is often angry, and it occurs to Castiel that he would have good reason if that were the case. Castiel stole the colt from under Dean’s pillow, a betrayal he knew would cut Dean deeply. He had been in Dean's room— in his personal, private space. Castiel always cherished being able to exist in that space alone with Dean, in the small, rare moments of intimacy. And Castiel had marred it with his deception. Then he had taken the Impala after Dean had willingly, trustingly tossed him the keys and left him and Sam unconscious and alone. Castiel hangs his head in shame and sighs deeply. Dean has every right to be angry with him.

_Wouldn't you rather be a fond memory than a constant, festering disappointment?_

Castiel freezes, a cold dread trickling down his spine. He thinks back again to the field he woke up in— his first solid memory after the rift. How _had_ he come back this time? And why hadn’t he considered this more carefully before now? The last time he had been brought back unknowingly had been Purgatory. The recollection of Naomi’s manipulation sits heavy in the pit of his stomach. The sick, corrupted desecration of body and trust— his grace recoils at the memory, at the the things she made him do. . . to Dean. 

_Dean,_ he thinks, panic beginning to rise up in him now. 

Castiel considers the most terrifying possibility yet: What if he’s been reprogrammed again? What if he’s playing into exactly what they want him to do, drawing the Winchesters to him? What if it’s not safe for them? What if _he’s_ not safe for them? 

Castiel hears the Impala before he sees it. A low, deep grumble. He doesn't turn around when he hears the engine still and then turn off. He breathes deeply, gathers his strength, and braces himself as he hears the familiar scrape of the car's door opening.

_There is nothing for you back there._

There’s a wetness in his eyes and fear in his heart when he turns around. Dean’s face is lit by the streetlight, reflecting dark shadows under his eyes and obscuring his freckles. There are deep lines of weariness on his face and Castiel itches to smooth them away; for now that he’s turned to face Dean’s gaze, he couldn’t possibly look away from it. But he hesitates, hands twitching at his sides.

_There is nothing for you back there._

Dean hesitates too, but a moment later he is collapsing into his arms, shaking slightly, pulling Castiel tight, and it’s _everything._ The feeling in his chest explodes. Dean’s hand tightens its grasp on his coat and his head falls heavy on Castiel’s shoulder.

“Hey Cas,” Dean breathes into his neck.

_Everything._

“Hello Dean.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Feedback is appreciated :)
> 
> The title comes from a line in the song that played at the end of the episode: "It's Never Too Late" by Steppenwolf, which I'm still flailing about. Want to flail with me? Come say hi on [tumblr](https://nox-lee.tumblr.com).


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